AN EXERCIZE IN TRUTHINESS

9 LIES AND ONE TRUTH

Can you guess which one is true?

1. I am much taller and thinner than I appear in person. People seem to doubt me when I say this, and it really hurts my feelings. And I say verily unto them, “Blessed is the one who believes, yet does not see."

2. Fred Phelps wants me. Even with the protective order, I never know when he’s going to turn up, asking me to please, please stick my tongue in his ear. Last week I came home and found him on my bed, buck naked, smelling my boxer shorts. Does anyone know where I can get a duvet cleaned?

3. I was once young enough and in good enough shape that I went to a Gold Party at a nightclub in New York with my entire body painted in metallic gold body paint and wearing only a gold lame g-string and little gold sandals. I woke up in [redacted]’s bedroom -- yes, the wife of the rock star -- in her apartment at The Dakota. My g-string was still intact, but my makeup was a little smudged.

4. I once considered a career in banking, but I thought my juvenile conviction of shoplifting from my local yarn shop might hold me back.

5. I once snuck into a fundraiser at a hotel in Los Angeles by pushing a wheelchair (which I had “borrowed: from the cloak room) towards the door and, when approached, saying “I’ve got Ms. Taylor’s wheelchair. Please step aside.” It worked. I ditched the chair in the back of the room and ate 2 pounds of shrimp off the buffet.

6. I was once detained and questioned by the secret service for grabbing President Clinton’s ass. All in all, it was worth it. How many people do you know who have goosed the President of the United States.

7. I once found a presentation at work so boring that I fell asleep. My embarrassment was only magnified by the fact that I was the one giving the presentation in the first place.

8. I have a not-so-secret crush on Stockard Channing. I have naughty dreams about shooting the “Women of The West Wing” calendar.

9. Ever since reading an article about how body hair was a remnant of our caveman past meant to trap pheromones (i.e. odors) to help attract a mate, I have shaved my underarms, legs, and chest. I would shave my back, too, if I could reach it.

10. I once went to synagogue dressed as Monica Lewinsky. It was the 90’s. You had to be there.