Saturday, March 17, 2007


Maybe giving myself a few days to wallow in self pity after learning my firm was going to close was a bit optimistic. It has been 17 days, and I am still grieving. I'm not going to be following my boss, which is a real loss to me. And even though I have a really good job to go to, I'm still very, very depressed. (I'm not proud of it, but one day this week found me walking down Michigan Avenue on my lunch hour listening to the Wicked soundtrack on the iPod and crying like a 5 year old. Not pretty. Not pretty at all.)

I have been working hard at getting all of my boss' files in order, packed, indexed, and ready for him so that when he arrives at his new firm he'll be able to find what he needs. (He's been out of town for a week and won't be back until the last week of the month.)

The other two paralegals have pretty much checked out. One questioned why I would work so hard because she doesn't "give a f**k about this place". The other is angry and thinks that the partners decided to close just to spite her. Rarely, even in good times, did either of them have a good thing to say about anyone -- including me -- but now they are even more offensive.

Neither of them has been any help. They sit at their desks playing solitaire and waiting out the clock while I fill dumpster after dumpster with discardable files and pack box after box of files, label the boxes, and make an index of what is in each one. All this toting and lifting has not been good for my back, which is killing me.

It isn't as if I don't understand the urge to just sit at my desk and vegetate. It would certainly be easier on my back. But if I did check out, knowing that my boss thought enough of my work and tried his best to take me with him to his next firm, it would be telling him that his belief in me was misplaced. I may not get to continue working with him, but I still want his respect.

So I keep plugging away.


I have decided to knit this.

Eunny Jang's Print o' the Wave Shawl. Well, actually, I am going to knit a variation of it. (I'm going to knit the center panel in one piece and skip the grafting which is difficult in lace and I don't think looks all that great.) I have a whole bunch (1720 yards) of Knitpicks Alpaca Cloud in Midnight Heather, which I think will look elegant, and I have enough of it that I can make the shawl a little wider than the pattern. I have never knit lace that had a border knit separately, so this will be a new skill for me.

Myfanwe asked who I would knit it for. After all these years married to a knitter, she still doesn't get it.


hugs said...

Lace has always been cathartic for me. I think this is a good decision.

Diane said...

What you are experiencing and seeing around you is how everyone is handling death. In this case it's the death of a company.

You are sad and trying to do everything needed to make the death go as well as possible. You would rather the company didn't die so you are very sad about it.

The other two paralegals sound like they've always been a bit bitter so why should this change anything other than makeing them more bitter.

As we all know, happy people get sad sometimes but with loving family and friends surrounding them they are able to pick themselves up just fine. You'll be ok.

You're coworkers on the other hand will continue to come up short in life no matter when they land because unhappy mean people just do.

Kate A. said...

I've got my eye on that shawl, too, for after my dissertation revisions are done, and I'm also saving some Alpaca cloud for it...looking forward to seeing how yours goes!

As for the work situation..I'm sure you've got your boss' respect, but I think what you're doing now is really most worth it because it allows you to respect yourself. That's all anybody can really have to get them through the day, when it comes down to it. Those co-workers of yours have left their self-respect behind, probably a long time ago and, like the other commenter said, they'll suffer for it.

I just wish the rest of us didn't have to hang around and work with these jerks who don't give a damn. But I'm just bitter - I can't stop wishing I could move with my husband and a dog to some nice quiet cabin somewhere (with internet), far away from *people*. Grr. Must try to remember not to become a crazy loner lunatic. Anyway.

mc78 said...

It's good to hear that you take pride in your work and that you carry on in hard times. You're a great example for us all :)

Anonymous said...

"Knit on, with confidence and hope, through all crises."
- Elizabeth Zimmerman

Elisabeth said...

Aidan--I've been a little checked out myself lately so I'm behind on my blog reading. I'm so happy you have found a job, but I'm sad you will be leaving one you liked so well. I agree with Kate; to keep working and giving it your all is a sign of self-respect. When you go to your next job, you will know you always gave the previous job everything you could and that is invaluable.

It's natural to grieve the loss of anything. Don't try to bottle it up and allow it to ferment and get rancid. Let it out; allow yourself to grieve and you will move past it a stronger person.