Sunday, July 08, 2007

LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES

Gentle Readers: I would that you could benefit from my experience, that you should never have to endure the sadness I have brought upon myself.

  1. Never, ever, knit lace in a narcotic haze. I don't care if it takes the edges off of your painful childhood memories, effectively blocks out your bad marriage or teen acne, or, as in my case, it helps you forget your mouth full of stitches. Never, ever, knit lace while stoned.
  2. If you do knit lace while hammered, it is a good idea to use lifelines. Maybe even put them in more frequently that usual. And it wouldn't hurt to stop and count your stitches once in a while.
  3. Drugs make you sleepy. Sleeping and knitting don't mix. Really. Kinda like the time I tried knitting and swimming. Those floaty things are NOT, I repeat, NOT stable. And whatever you do, do not attempt sleep-knitting with Vicodin on a pool float. Disaster. (Though Knitting with Vicodin may well be the title for the Yarn Harlot's inevitable rehab knitting book.)
  4. It is very difficult to knit a prayer shawl when you are dropping stitches and cursing. Not that anyone would have recognized it as cursing -- it's is amazing how far a wad of gauze can go towards preserving your reputation for maintaining a high standard of discourse. I let loos a string of expletives so vile that it gave even me pause, and Myfanwe's response was "Of course I'll make you tea, Dearest. You are so sweet." (Recognizing, though, that my true attitude and frame of mind were not conducive to a prayerful and prayer-filled product, I ripped back 11 rows to my lifeline (which I had contemplated -- and rejected -- running again after row 8) and began anew.
  5. The prayer shawl is absolutely the very, very last lace project I knit with Addi Turbos. I swear, these things are so blunt at the end, I might as well be knitting the shawl on tampons. I am going to purchase a few of the new lace models -- Loopy Yarns is carrying a couple of brands, from what I can tell.
Take head, dear friends. Consider me your Jacob Marley. You do not want to be visited by the Ghosts of Knitting Past, Present or Future. (I'm casting Hugo Neuproler, Stephanie McFee, and Franklin Habit in the roles for my owl little production of A Lace Weight Carol.)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think it may be time for my meds now.

4 comments:

hugs said...

Mike and I agree with you 100% about the addi turbos. He nearly burst a capilary trying to do magic loop with them. And he wouldn't believe me when I warned him.

And thanks, I've always wanted to perform on stage and if it takes lace to do that, fine by me.

mc78 said...

I hope your dentist didn't charge you $500 for two fillings like mine did.

sfmommy99 said...

love it, I'm ready to line up at midnight for the Yarn Harlot's rehad book, so long as they are passing out free hooch while we wait.

sorry about the teeth but see the silver lining? funnyness.

can I ask a dumb question - is it Mollywobbles as in HP? she is absolutely my favorite and who I would want to be character. Right on man! how long will it take you to read HP#7 and will you be in line Fri night?

Cherice said...

Hope you're feeling better. My husband took my knitting away from me when I had to have surgery and returned it to me when I was no longer a danger to my knitting.

I share your thoughts on the Addi turbos and had a great chuckle at your #5.